Suffolk Gazette has managed to get world exclusive statement from Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor

From AYLSHAM POLICE STATION, NORFOLK

“Look, let’s be perfectly straight—and I can be, as I don’t sweat under pressure, or at all, for that matter. Being detained on one’s 66th birthday is, frankly, the height of bad manners. One moment you’re tucking into a slice of low-sugar Victoria sponge, and the next, you’re being asked about emails by a man in a polyester suit who doesn’t seem to understand the nuances of international trade diplomacy.

The confession

I have always maintained that my association with Mr. Epstein was a matter of being too honorable—too loyal to a fault. If I forwarded a few ‘high-value commercial opportunities’ regarding Afghan uranium or Singaporean trade routes, it was simply to be a helpful chap. Is ‘misconduct in public office’ really the best we can do? It sounds like something a local councilor gets done for after misusing the parish photocopier.

Blame game

If we are going to talk about ‘misconduct,’ perhaps we should look elsewhere. There are politicians who have flipped entire countries like overpriced real estate in Belgravia and walked away with a book deal and a seat on a board, Tony. There are billionaire tech moguls whose ‘data mining’ makes my little email hobby look like a pen-pal club. Why is the focus on a man who was simply trying to navigate the complex world of global commerce from the back of a Bentley? And what about Mandy? There is a vacant cell next door well-suited to his dubious ‘diplomatic shenanigans.’

The victim card

I am a victim of my own approachability. I’m just a ‘man from Norfolk’ now, apparently. But while the police are busy poking around the Royal Lodge, they might want to ask why other public figures—people who actually run things—seem to have an ‘Out of Office’ reply on when the handcuffs come out. I’ve stepped back, I’ve stayed in the shadows, and frankly, I think it’s time everyone else did the same. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s cold in here and my cardigan needs buttoning up.”