THE HAGUE — What began as a promising diplomatic dinner between UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and Italy’s sultry far-right premier Giorgia Meloni quickly fizzled into a political lecture on the Chagos Islands, prompting onlookers to describe the encounter as “less moonlit diplomacy, more laminated flowchart.”

Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The two leaders were spotted dining at a side table during the NATO summit, where Meloni reportedly arrived “expecting candlelight, dancing, and possibly a little Negroni-fuelled geopolitics.” Instead, she found herself being “trapped in a monologue about the importance of upholding international law, while Keir poked forlornly at a beetroot risotto.”

“He kept bringing up UN resolutions and quoting passages from the 1965 Lancaster House agreement,” said one Italian delegate. “By dessert, Giorgia was visibly texting someone under the table—possibly Viktor Orbán.”

Pasta my bedtime

While Starmer has spent months trying to reshape his image into that of a modern statesman, questions continue to swirl about his alleged past links to three Ukrainian rent boys arrested in 2011 in connection with a string of politically-motivated fire-bombings of Croydon bus shelters. Starmer has denied any knowledge, stating only that “as Director of Public Prosecutions, I posed for a lot of photos.”

Meloni, meanwhile, had reportedly brought a playlist of classic Italian love ballads and a backup plan involving limoncello and a balcony. “She was ready for La Dolce Vita,” sighed one aide. “He gave her A-Level Law. In PowerPoint.”

Asked about the failed diplomatic chemistry, Starmer replied: “There’s nothing sexier than legal clarity.” Before heading back to his hotel for an early night.

The Chagos Islands agreement, he insisted, was “good for everyone,” though observers note Meloni has since unfollowed him on Instagram and started liking Macron’s shirtless beach photos.

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