LONDON, UK – Nineties pop star Jimmy Ray, best known for asking “Are You Jimmy Ray?”, has found himself at the centre of a surreal domestic mystery involving bed crumbs, mistaken identity, and an unexpectedly talkative piece of paper.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The incident occurred in the early hours of Tuesday morning when Ray, now 54, awoke to the sensation of something minuscule nestled against him in bed. “I thought it was a crumb,” said Ray, “but it had the soft squish of a cooked grain of rice. Which was odd, as I haven’t eaten rice since Saturday.”

In the dark, Ray dutifully extracted the item and placed it on his bedside table. It wasn’t until morning that the singer discovered the object was not rice at all, but a tiny piece of pink paper, expertly rolled into rice-like form.

Naturally, Ray questioned the object directly. “I said, ‘Are you rice?’ And it said, ‘No, but I played rice once.’”

Rice paper

According to the paper, it had recently appeared on the paper world’s version of Stars in Their Eyes, a televised talent competition where pieces of paper impersonate inanimate objects for fame and modest recognition.

“In the paper world’s version of Stars in Their Eyes, it’s less about soundalikes and more about shape-shifting,” Ray explained. “He told the host, ‘Tonight, Matthew, I will be… a grain of rice’ and he nailed it, winning the series.”

The rice-impersonating paper has since declined interviews, citing exhaustion and concerns over typecasting.

Meanwhile, Ray is considering writing a concept album about the encounter. “It’s either that or I’m losing my mind,” he added. “But honestly, it was the best conversation I’ve had with a carbohydrate impersonator in years.”

Scientists remain baffled.