OXBRIDGE, UK – Oxford and Cambridge are reportedly considering replacing the traditional crews with teams of recently arrived illegal migrants this year’s iconic Boat Race.

Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

The proposal, allegedly pitched during a particularly enthusiastic meeting of the “Inclusion, Equity, and Postcolonial Water Sports Committee,”. We would see two boats of channel-crossers go head-to-head on the Thames — a bold statement in what one fellow called “decolonising elite tradition through participatory flotilla-based discourse.”

The plan has been hailed by supporters as “the ultimate gesture of inclusive maritime justice.” Detractors, meanwhile, have called it “a parody of itself” — though this hasn’t stopped it gaining traction in Oxbridge common rooms where reality is mostly theoretical.

Off the Deep End

While the traditional Oxford-Cambridge clash has long been a celebration of athleticism and privilege in tight lycra. Academics argue this new iteration would be a “powerful metaphor for global movement, struggle, and post-Brexit displacement.”

A reporter from the SUFFOLK GAZETTE travelled to Calais in hopes of securing early interviews with the prospective crews. Unfortunately, communication proved tricky, as none of the individuals waiting in the encampment spoke English — though several mistook the reporter’s notepad for a visa application.

It remains unclear whether the race will include life jackets, customs inspections, or a post-finish asylum hearing.

Critics have dubbed the plan “virtue signalling in a canoe,” but organisers remain enthusiastic. “This is about more than sport,” said one  Liberal Democrat-supporting  Cambridge fellow. “It’s about giving oars to the voiceless.” No date has yet been set, but insiders suggest the working title is The Great British Float-Off.

Meanwhile: Ipswich fans boat trip faces Norwich sub plot