Fifty-ton rolling rock crushes Sir Cliff’s successful vineyard.

By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

GUIA, PORTUGAL — Authorities in the Algarve have confirmed that Sir Cliff Richard’s famed vineyard, Adega do Cantor, has been destroyed following a 50-ton rockfall that ruined the ageing rocker’s summer holiday.

The boulder, which geologists have described as “big and round,” reportedly detached from a nearby hillside with the enthusiasm of a front-row fan at a 1963 variety show. It proceeded to barrel through the estate, carving a path of destruction that experts estimate has decimated roughly £1 million worth of Sir Cliff’s premium grapes.

The violent cliff collapse narrowly avoided the main farmhouse while systematically obliterating the very vines responsible for the “Vida Nova” labels.

“It’s a tragedy of vintage proportions,” noted local agricultural consultant, Paulo Silva, while poking a crushed Syrah grape with a stick. “The boulder didn’t just roll; it performed a curated tour of the most expensive rows on the property. It’s as if the rock specifically had a grudge against medium-bodied reds with a hint of spice, or disliked Sir Cliff’s records.”

Cliff face

Sir Cliff was reportedly off-site at the time of the destruction, having chosen instead to belt out his number ones for a captive karaoke audience in the nearby resort of Playa Mahits.

Investigators, meanwhile, have revealed the cause of the rockfall was a series of mishit tennis balls striking and weakening the nearby cliff face.

Sue Barker wasn’t available for comment.