NAPLES, FL — Residents of the Golden Days Retirement Home for Athletes were treated to an unexpected burst of nostalgia (and sand) yesterday when former Olympic sprint rivals Ben Johnson and Carl Lewis spontaneously launched into a 100m dash along the Florida coastline.
Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
Witnesses say the two sextagenarian speedsters, now both residents of the high-end sporting retirement community, were quietly sipping mocktails in matching Crocs by the beach when a family celebrating “Grandma Mabel’s 100th” uncorked a bottle of bubbly with a dramatic pop.
“It was like muscle memory,” said 84-year-old discus legend Big Ron “The Arm” Simmonds. “One second they were talking about blood pressure meds, the next, they were halfway to Key West.”
Running out of road
The race, though unannounced and unregulated, was clocked unofficially by a lifeguard using the stopwatch app on his iPhone. “Ben had the early lead,” said local jogger Tanya Speers. “But Carl caught up when Ben tripped over a sandcastle shaped like the Sydney Opera House.”
The pair ultimately collapsed in a tie near a row of confused pelicans. When asked later what inspired them, Johnson said, “I heard the cork and thought the gun had gone off,” while Lewis added, “Old habits die hard. Also, I hate losing—even now.”
Golden Days staff have since installed signs reading “No Sudden Loud Noises Near Former Sprinters”, and the on-site café has renamed its smoothie bar ‘Track & Field of Dreams’.
A rematch is reportedly scheduled for Tuesday, assuming both men remember it’s happening. As for the champagne? It’s now served only with a gentle pssssst.
