Saturday, April 20, 2024

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Suffolk in terror as Cowzilla escapes

By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

Terror struck Suffolk yesterday with news that the legendary Cowzilla had escaped and was running amok somewhere in the countryside.

Bertie Thomas, the farmer who owns her, claimed the hefty heifer was “literally unstoppable”.

“Everywhere she goes she’ll leave a trail of destruction,” said Mr Thomas. “She can’t be talked to. She can’t be reasoned with. All she cares about is destroying our way of life.”

According to Mr Thomas, Cowzilla can blend into her surroundings “like a ninja” and strike with deadly surprise attacks.

Cowzilla escaped once before, when she was a calf. She was captured three months later, but only after destroying a combine harvester.

Now she is bigger, stronger and smarter, and Mr Thomas believes it may be impossible to stop her.

Something to beef about: Cowzilla on the loose

Cowzilla, who answers to the name Mandy, has already struck the village of Holton, near Halwsowrth where she damaged a wall, upturned two litter bins, and left a giant steaming cow pat in a children’s play area.

The Suffolk Gazette was unable to speak to any Holton residents, who had locked themselves inside their houses. But our reporters did hear one woman scream: “This is only the beginning!” through a first-floor window.

Suffolk Police have warned the public not to approach Cowzilla at any cost.

The police have not released any official details of their Cowzilla strategy, although one insider told the Suffolk Gazette that they might try to force her into Norfolk.

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