IPSWICH — Ipswich Borough Council has announced a new £30 daily congestion charge targeting white motorists. After a month-long study revealed that 82% of all traffic clogging up the city’s Stoke Bridge Roundabout were white.

Economics Editor (on secondment from the Peking Times): Foo Tse

Dubbed unofficially as the “White Honky Tax”. The scheme will come into force this September and is already being described as “Sadiq Khan’s ULEZ on full bleach.”

“The science is clear,” said Council Traffic Coordinator Linda Pelt, pointing to a graph shaped suspiciously like a Ford Transit. “White cars not only reflect more light and confuse pigeons. They also account for the majority of dithering near junctions and excessive use of hazards in lay-bys.”

The tax will apply to all pale-hued motorists entering the IP1–IP4 postcode zones, with exemptions only for ambulances, ice cream vans, and “anyone delivering eggs without fanfare.”

My other van is white

Owners of white vehicles reacted with fury. “It’s not like I chose this colour,” said Geoff Parsnip, 57, of Kesgrave. “It was the only one left on the forecourt, and now it’s a criminal lifestyle.”

In response, dealerships across Suffolk have reported a run on beige, moss green, and “metallic sadness,” as drivers scramble to dodge the incoming charge. One enterprising spray shop in Chantry has already introduced a “Midnight Mocha” emergency respray package for £29.95.

Environmentalists, meanwhile, have cautiously applauded the move. “It’s nonsense, but it’s our kind of nonsense,” said one Extinction Rebellion activist from inside a hemp tent.

Council leaders insist the policy will “encourage diversity in vehicle palettes” and “remind motorists that visibility is not a virtue if you’re doing 11mph in the overtaking lane.”

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