There is finally some good news for the United Kingdom to celebrate – we are going to win this weekend’s Eurovision Song Contest.
Experts say the result in Rotterdam on Saturday is a foregone conclusion because the rest of Europe loves us so much.
Expect the maximum 12 points from the French jury, and the same top score from the Germans, Italians and Spanish.
UK performer James Newman is a shoe-in with his song Embers.
Eurovision pundit Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The country needs cheering up, and the fact that Europe loves us so much will be plain for all to see.”
French Eurovision commentator Jean Claude Barnier explained: “We have put the trifling squabble over Brexit and Jersey fishing rights behind us.
“We have not even heard the UK entry, but everyone says they will vote for it anyway.
“Rule Britannia, and all that.”
Meanwhile, some cynics suggest quite the opposite will happen on Saturday.
“Nobody in Europe will vote for the UK on Saturday unless they are pissed or live in Malta.”
Buy a Suffolk Gazette gift mug – perfect for friends, family or your own home. See them all at Dirty Old Goat mugs, or buy direct from the items below…