By Doug Trench, Defence Editor
Russia has declared this week’s huge military exercise a success, with 300,000 troops now capable of putting poison on a door knob.
The armed forces’ show of strength, the biggest since the Cold War, saw 100,000 British front doors sent to Eastern Russia.
Servicemen and women were then trained in the art of sneaking up and dabbling Novichok on a door knob without anyone noticing.
“The exercise was a complete success,” said Russian military expert Lorrainov Fishersky, 34.
“Now we have a whole army capable of killing people in quaint British towns. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Western nations say the massive Russian war games were meant to send a message to NATO.
“And that message is that no door is safe,” a British military top brass said.
He added that there was also an environmental problem following the exercise, with abandoned doors scattered across the east Russian countryside.
The news comes after the Suffolk Gazette revealed how a Russian submarine was spying on Felixstowe.