Suffolk Gazette tracks down Election Doorstep

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Election doorstep

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This is the famous doorstep politicians bang on about when elections come round. We tracked it down to an address near Stowmarket in Suffolk, which we are keeping secret because the owners keep being harassed by bigwigs from all political parties.

The householder, who lives in a £185,000 semi and works in the local Co-Op, said: “They banged on my door without an invitation and I told them to feck off.

“But they stood on the doorstep in their expensive shoes and asked me about whether I’d had my Brexit, if I was against tax cuts, did I want more council house doorsteps, and whether I wanted to nationalise the trains.

“Again, I told them to feck off as I wasn’t the slightest bit interested. But they kept on! Did I want more immigration? Did I want more police on the streets? Did I want my bin emptied once every six months? Did I want my gas bill cutting? Do I want fracking on my doorstep?

“On and on they went. Did I want to privatise the NHS? Did I want to kick rich people? Did I want to print more money? Do I want the local school to fall down? Do I want to support the fascists? Do I want to support Commies? Do I want to throw gay people off balconies?

“I was dying for a widdle and a cup of tea but on they went. Do I want to kill pensioners? Do I want to nationalise single mothers? Do I want a benefits cap on £100 grand? Do I want to bomb North Korea? Do I want Donald Trump to build me a new wall?

“Don’t I care about rural buses? Do I want to put people with diesel cars in prison? Do I want people in prison to get free Prosecco? Should we all go vegan? Should we ban Tesco? Should we take money from beggars and give it to Eton toffs?

“Later I turned on the news and all the politicians were saying the same thing, ‘This is the message we are getting from the doorstep! We know we are right because we went to the doorstep!’ I cannot take this policy to the doorstep!

“They say it to make it sound like they are like ordinary working people. But everyone has a doorstep…even the Queen. Someone needs to start a Keep Off My Doorstep Party so we can all get a bit of peace and quiet.”

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