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Avocado horrified at being offered for sale in Aldi

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avocado in aldi

An avocado has spoken of her horror after ending up in the grocery section of Aldi.

Tasty tree fruit Lorraine Fisher, 34 months, said she had expected to be made available in Waitrose or, at worst, Sainsbury.

But to her dismay she found herself being stared at by confused customers at the Aldi store in Ipswich, Suffolk.

“This is a terrible black mark against my family name,” she explained from a box in aisle B.

“I was brought up to expect a noble send-off in a lavish middle-class family home.

“I yearned to be displayed in Waitrose where yummy mummies could give me a gentle squeeze and say how perfect I was.

“Then I would sit in a bowl in a beautiful £30,000 bespoke kitchen before being consumed as part of some extravagant salad.

“I wouldn’t even have minded if I had been liquidised with some spinach and kale for a healthy smoothie.

“Instead I am stuck here in Aldi where nobody gives a toss about me, understands me, or even knows what I am.

“This morning one large woman in an ill-fitting tracksuit laughed as she told her friend, ‘That apple looks faaking crap’.”

Ms Fisher said she had sat in the Aldi store for four days with no takers, and the end couldn’t come soon enough.

“But maybe I’m just getting soft in my old age,” she said.

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A staycation in Suffolk is a must

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Suffolk is known as an impressive and ceremonial county of England that has a great reputation as a place to visit. It is an excellent option for anyone looking for a calm and peaceful environment for a small vacation. Let’s take a look at what Suffolk has to offer for a British staycation.

Suffolk should definitely be on your list of places to visit if you want to have slow-paced surroundings for your perfect getaway. It has a fascinating history and today it is known for its wonderful villages and fine market towns. Suffolk also has plenty of cultural offerings, too. For cultural spots outside of this county, check out the UK’s Top Cultural Cities ranking on Holidu.

Something for almost everyone

Suffolk has something to offer to almost everyone. If you have travelled around Europe you might see some influences from different cities that Suffolk brings together perfectly. Not only for its beauty and marvellous spots, but Suffolk is also an excellent base for discovering the wonderful coast. Additionally, you can check Norfolk, the next county to the north. 

Suffolk is located in East Anglia and it certainly has something to offer for every traveller. The options for accommodation vary a lot and you can choose almost anything based on your preferences. 

The selection consists of cute and traditional cottages that can be decorated by exposed beams. If you prefer bigger, you can check the alternatives for farmhouses that come with large outdoor space and elegant barn conversions. This is a great option if you want to have a little luxury in your staycation. 

Towns to explore in Suffolk

Suffolk is definitely the home of some amazing places in the United Kingdom. It provides adventures for all tastes whether you want to take it easy, get close to nature, get active with sports or flow in the urban bliss. If you are a bookworm and happened to be a fan of Harry Potter, you will be covered. 

The charming vibe of a market town comes from Bury St Edmunds which will make your time fly. The historic atmosphere boasts a fine selection of shopping and cuisine opportunities, and in the meantime, you can discover some local attractions. Lavenham is famous for its streets that take you to the world of Harry Potter.

If you are in need of fresh air, check Aldeburgh and Woodbridge. Aldeburgh is a place for a beach holiday and is known for its incredible waves and wide single. Woodbridge is also an environment of incredible natural beauty that will give you an adventure of a lifetime.

5 essential tools for every small business

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Running a small business can be a real challenge, especially if you’re doing it alone. It’s for this reason that technology experts have designed tools to make day-to-day processes much easier and quicker. But getting started with tools requires a little bit of decision making and oftentimes entrepreneurs simply don’t know what options they have. If you’re interested in learning more about the types of tools that are out there, then this blog is for you. Here are five tools that most business owners would do well to invest in as soon as they can.

VAT calculator

If you have trouble with taxes, then add VAT calculator to the top of your tool list. Understanding VAT is hard enough without adding calculations into the mix. After all, you’ll need to register your business, identify which of your goods and services are taxed at a standard rate and then issue a receipt to your customers. A VAT calculator takes some of the weight off your shoulders by crunching numbers quickly and efficiently. Pair this with your accounting software solution and your tax return will be a breeze.

Time management app

It’s incredibly important to use your time wisely when starting your new venture, but if you don’t know where your time is going then it can be hard to make your processes more efficient. A time management app can help you to understand which tasks are taking you longer, when you’re losing focus, and whether you need to consider hiring an extra pair of hands. Try to find an app that doesn’t take up too much time and you can easily access at any time of day. If you spend too long logging your time, then you definitely won’t be improving your efficiency.

Social media scheduler

If your marketing involves using social media then a scheduler is an absolute must. Creating content in advance in batches can save you a lot of time and also means you’ll never miss another post. You’ll be able to post at any time of day, even when you’re asleep or in a business meeting. What’s more, you’ll be able to easily visualise your long-term plan and feel more secure in the way that your marketing strategy is panning out.

E-mail software

E-mail newsletters are a great way of retaining existing customers and encouraging future conversions. You’ll be able to share discount codes, inform customers of new products and celebrate wins. However, in order to do this, you’ll need an e-mail management tool, like Mailchimp. Here you’ll be able to design and schedule e-mails, sending them to a list of hundreds or thousands of people. E-mail software also helps you to keep all this customer information safe and ensures you never miss a single person off of your regular newsletters.

Communication system

Finally, every small business owner needs some way of communicating with clients and business partners digitally. There are lots of options out there, including the likes of Zoom, Google Meet and Microsoft Teams. What’s more, most communication platforms are free to use, so try out a few to find the one that works for you.

Britain recognises Australia’s New South Wales as an independent state

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Britain has declared that New South Wales is now an independent state, free from tyrannical Australian rule.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson said history proves Australia should have no sovereignty of its own.

Millions of British-heritage people live in the disputed New South Wales region, which includes Sydney, Melbourne and, of course, Wagga Wagga.

They have never recognised their evil Australian rulers and now yearn for the peace-loving motherland to provide security and stability.

Boris Johnson announced New South Wales would be annexed in a rambling speech last night before signing the decree recognising the independent nature of the state.

He has appointed Nigel Farage as a puppet ruler of the region.

Leaders around the world fear this is just a first step to British troops marching across the whole of Australia.

“It shouldn’t be too difficult,” explained military-strategic expert, Lt Col Lorraine Fisher, 34.

“You can easily catch the Australians off guard as they are out enjoying barbecues, surfing and drinking cold tinnies.”

Intelligence officers in the White House believe Britain’s move breaks international law.

“We fear for the countries of India, Canada and huge swathes of the Far East and Africa, where many people with British roots live since the days of Empire.”

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A look at why Ole Gunnar Solksjaer is being ghosted in Suffolk

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Image by Arbeiderpartiet under CC

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is at an increasingly loose end nowadays after Manchester United sacked him in November, so much so, the stir-crazy sensation has driven the 48-year-old to even apply to become the next Metropolitan Police Chief after Cressida Dick stood down. As a devout Liverpool fan who has lived in London his whole life, London Mayor Sadiq Khan quickly dismissed his application which led the baby-faced assassin to quickly move on and apply for the head of the England men’s rugby team despite no vacancy actually being open.

It was reported that the Norwegian felt he could take to the sport quite easily after being an expert in what constitutes a rugby game, having accused Manchester United’s opponents of playing the robust sport against his team in August 2021. Carrying on, Solskjaer stated that he felt he could lead England to World Cup glory in 2023 where the side is at just 9/2 in the latest rugby union odds to go all the way in France.

When asked by bemused doorstepping journalists why he had applied for a job he knows nothing about and quite clearly hasn’t got the skills for, Solskjaer reminded those present that these same barriers didn’t stop him from getting the Manchester United job a few years back. The gathered press nodded along in complete agreement as Solskjaer quipped with a wink,  ‘a mere technicality’ before closing his Range Rover’s window and setting off for Ipswich.

In short, the 48-year-old had eventually decided to head to Suffolk because new Ipswich Town boss Kieran McKenna had blocked Solskjaer on all his social media channels. Going back for a minute, McKenna was obviously Solskjaer’s number two at Old Trafford during the time that the Norwegian was manager of the club, but left when Ralf Rangnick was appointed to take up the Ipswich managerial job

Now, when news got back to an incensed Solskjaer that his old mate had landed on his feet after the band at Old Trafford broke up, he immediately rang the Ipswich Town chairman and asked if the Tractor Boys would like Ole at the wheel instead. The club kindly informed him they were ok for glorified PE teachers as things stood before hanging up.

Nevertheless, ambitious chairman Mike O’Leary decided to pass on the contents of the conversation to McKenna who he felt should know about his old boss’s Game of Thrones type betrayal which led to the 48-year-old being blocked on all social media.

Naturally, after being ghosted for months by McKenna, the Norwegian decided to drive to Portman Road to patch things up but he only got as far as Norwich after deciding to pop his head in en route at the Carrow Road canteen to ask if they wanted him to manage the club. A shocked Delia Smith at the sight of the grinning Solskjaer in the doorway would go on to drop her signature pavlova onto Josh Sargent’s foot which ultimately ruled Norwich’s record transfer signing out for the rest of the season, condemning Norwich to certain relegation.

Following that, the last anybody saw of  Solskjaer was Dean Smith putting him in the boot of his car before heading off in the direction of the Norfolk Broads.

Blackjack online: tips to win while having fun

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Online casinos have been a game-changer, not just in how gambling is perceived but also in the popularity of certain games.

A decade ago, slot machines were hugely more popular than table games in land-based casinos. This was partially due to the fact that tables were usually crowded out. There always have been also different factors like jackpots, casino bonuses etc. To learn more about top free spins bonuses in Australia, visit newcasinos-au.com/bonuses/free-spins.

However, there are no crowded tables in online casinos, and once you factor out the numerous free slots online, you’re left with two close frontrunners for the most popular casino games; slot games and blackjack.

This boom in popularity of blackjack is due to its attractiveness as regards ease of learning and the possibility of skill playing a role in your fortunes. The choice for most people has become simple; play the slots and stand the chance of winning a jackpot or play blackjack and bet on yourself.

Rules for playing blackjack

Regardless of the choice that is made, you are most likely to have fun. This likelihood increases if you do know how to play the game you select. If your choice is Blackjack, this list of primary rules should be a great starting point:

  1. Blackjack is a game between a player and the house (not another player).
  2. Every game of blackjack begins with the dealer at the table dealing each player and themselves two cards. Both cards of every player are face up while one of the dealer’s cards is placed face up.
  3. After the initial deal, every player has a choice: stand (hold onto the two cards as they are) or hit (be dealt another card). The goal is to get closer to 21 than the dealer.
  4. Based on this, the dealer checks their other card to see if they have a better hand than the player. If the player does, that’s a win for them; if the dealer has a better hand than the player, it’s a win for the house.

What tips and tricks are helpful in backjack?

This is where blackjack differs from most games. Live poker is a game of skill because you are going to be weighing your hand and gauging those of others based on a variety of factors. Roulette is plain luck with the opportunity to bet in a wide variety of ways. Slots are… slots. Blackjack, on the other hand, effectively combines the unpredictability of slots, the weighing/probability of poker and the plain luck of roulette. Those are not the only casino games that exist, but they fit our purpose best. Now, you can consider the little tips below to improve the fun factor in blackjack:

  1. Decide on a bankroll. The difference between a degenerate gambler on the road to financial ruin and a player having fun is in having an effective bankroll. The ideal way to structure a bankroll would be to set aside a maximum amount of money you’re comfortable losing. This lump sum would then be divided into multiple parts depending on the size of each bet you would be taking. Such a move would extend the number of hands you could have and increase the playing time. Be ready to win and get to know more about how to withdraw your winnings without delay.
  2. Decide on the number of hands you’re willing to play beforehand. Bankroll or no bankroll, it is a good idea to have decided on a maximum number of hands before you start playing. A better applicable variation of this tip is to have a maximum number of consecutive losing hands you can take. For example, it might be a good idea to stop playing after 5 or 10 straight losing hands.
  3. Try out all possible variations of the game. It is not uncommon for certain casinos to offer variations of the game that implement different types of bets. If your casino of choice allows such variations, try them out; there’s no fun in monotony when there is an alternative.

What is the blackjack basic strategy?

There is a blackjack strategy that is universally accepted as being intelligent in the application. Furthermore, it doesn’t require years of training. However, it does require a fair bit of studying, practice, memory and the knowledge that it is not infallible. What it does bring to the table, though, is a drastic reduction in the house edge on blackjack if you can master it. The strategy is called the “basic strategy” and was developed by Julian Braun. This strategy is widely available today in the form of charts showing the statistically advantageous move to make at every juncture of a blackjack game. The basic strategy essentially increases your chances of victory and, consequently, fun. Even when online gambling growth slows while betting shops rebounding, your blackjack strategy will work efficiently.

Are there other ways to secure an advantage in blackjack?

It seems that humans are always seeking to beat the system others have created, and the same happens in blackjack. The above basic strategy grants advantages to players that can do the studying and have memory. However, there are less legal but surer ways to secure an advantage. Some of these are:

  1. Counting cards. This isn’t particularly illegal, but it is frowned on by many casinos. That said, the strategy does well if you know it well.
  2. Shuffle tracking. This is more difficult than counting but can be applied effectively throughout a game, unlike counting.
  3. Spying and identification of cards. This tactic is self-explanatory.

Are side bets allowed in blackjack?

Well, this was one of the reasons for the crowded tables at land-based blackjack games. You would be surprised at how many casino goers simply played on side bets alone. They can be lucrative, and blackjack is one of those games that draw side bettors. Ironically (or expectedly; we don’t know which) side bets could range from the perfectly logical to the impossible lucky. Some examples of side bets in blackjack are:

  • Lucky Lucky
  • Bust It
  • Royal Match
  • Lucky Ladies
  • In Bet
  • Perfect Pairs
  • Match the Dealer
  • 21+3

Final thoughts

Blackjack is interesting to play, but it is still a gambling game that involves money. When playing in an online casino, the singular most important trick to having fun and saving money is to always walk away from the tables when there is less fun and more pressure. With all we have shared, you should have a swell time when next you play.

Uber in Suffolk at last

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Marjory Dawes with her Uber ride

Hi-tech minicab company Uber has finally arrived in Suffolk, we can reveal.

Our exclusive photo shows Uber’s first local customer enjoying her trip to the shops.

Marjory Dawes, 73, was picked up outside her home in Framsden and driven all the way to Debenham for a spot of shopping.

“It was a very good service,” she explained. “I used the app to get the nearest vehicle to come and get me, and before long this very nice young man picked me up with his tractor.

“The journey was very comfortable and I would recommend Uber in Suffolk.”

Uber spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We’re delighted Marjory enjoyed her trip.”

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Email content your clients want to receive

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Whether you already have an email marketing strategy in place or you’re planning to develop one, you know that emails are effective channels to sell products. But as a marketer, you know that only creative and engaging emails could enable your brand to build a relationship with the public and grow revenue. 

What strategy should you choose? Should you nurture subscribers with periodic newsletters? Should you send dedicated emails? What kind of content do subscribers digest better? 

We’ve put together the most popular types of email content to help you develop a strong email strategy. The internet is swarming with suggestions, but not all effective. So, make sure you understand what kind of content your subscribers expect to receive from you before sending any email.

Welcome emails

The welcome email is one of the most popular types of promotional content brands produce to retain clients. Sending welcome emails is common because they have a high open and engagement rate. People are excited when they first get in touch with a brand and are enthusiastic about receiving any kind of content from it. Your new subscribers expect to receive this type of email in their inbox after registering for your newsletter or making their first purchase. Exceed your clients’ expectations by sending a memorable welcome email. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself before creating welcome emails. 

– Do I send welcome emails based on how my clients sign up for a subscription program?

– When my clients buy a product, what are they interested in seeing next? 

– How can I send them relevant suggestions?

– Do I provide high-quality content?

– Are my welcome emails focused too much on my brand? Can I shift the focus to providing more valuable information to my clients?

Promotional emails

The formal of promotional content is evolving as the public is leerier of this kind of email content. The digital world grows in available information and technology, and people are more aware when brands send overly promotional emails. So, it would help if you offered a mix of promotions and valuable and engaging content. 

The best way to accomplish this goal is to add high-quality content besides the promotions the email includes; your promotional emails should no longer focus on the products you want to sell but on the call to action. Beneath the product offer, add free content and end the email with an eye-grabbing call to action. 

Before sending your next promotional email, evaluate it from an objective point of view and try to identify overly promotional content. If you spot this kind of content in your emails, cut it out to give the subscribers an on-ramp to test the waters without pulling the trigger on buying products. If you send PDF files in your emails, you can use an online pdf page remover to eliminate the overly promotional content and provide your clients with information that gives you the opportunity to convert them later on. 

Blogs, guides, or another type of content marketing

Use email marketing to draw attention to the awesome content you produce in other online environments. More and more companies send emails called blog solos that highlight articles, guides, or other types of blogs. Your subscribers don’t want to spend their entire day scrolling through your blog to identify the blog that could provide them with the information they’re looking for. They prefer to receive curated and relevant content in an accessible way, like via email. So, you should send them emails that offer them a glimpse of a blog post or guide and end the email with a call to action that encourages them to read the post on your website. Don’t forget to attach the link. 

Rewards and loyalty

You can express your appreciation for your clients’ loyalty in several ways, especially if you implement automation to boost your email marketing strategy. Sending rewards based on your customers’ purchases is an effective retention method. When a client hits an established tiered level of loyalty, you can email them to express your gratitude. 

You can also send loyalty emails based on the products or parts of the service your clients use. 

Product update

Creating a product email is tricky if you lack email marketing knowledge. People rarely receive this kind of email, but it doesn’t mean they’re less effective than the previous examples. The key to creating a compelling product update email is to keep it simple and straightforward. 

You can send weekly or monthly emails to keep your clients updated on how their favorite product or service performs. No matter how loyal a customer is, they still need time to learn all the product features, and your emails can provide them with valuable information. 

However, it would help if you didn’t inundate your clients’ inbox with hundreds of emails about each individual service update but send roundup emails periodically. The updates should contain a clear headline to announce the subject of the email, a brief description, and an image that showcases the new features. 

Event invitation

You can use your emails to promote upcoming events your company hosts. However, if you want to invite your clients to an event via email, you need to ensure the content tells why the event is worth their participation. 

Use visuals in your email to draw attention and picture the event in an alluring light. If you want to attract registrants, limit the written content and use more visuals to show why your event is spectacular. 

You can send event invitation emails to your entire list of contacts or to dedicated subscribers as a form of reward. In fact, it’s quite clever to send a dedicated email to just a small group of people to alert them of an event specially planned for them. 

Wrap up

Your content can make the difference between opened and sent to draft emails. As you already know, people decide whether to read or delete an email solely from its subject, so make sure you tell them what content they should expect to find when they open it.