Norfolk peasant Bubba Spuckler, who failed to complete the census
By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent
Data from the 2021 Census reveals today that Norfolk is the densest of all counties in the UK.
Statisticians have poured over the data given by each household across the nation.
And they have concluded what we knew along – while the UK population has increased by around 8% since 2011, Norfolk is the most dense county.
Government Census coordinator Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “A key part of the Census is the ability to be able to read the questions and select a suitable answer.
“This in itself is a test of intelligence that creates an interesting geographical data set.
“The returns revealed more people in Norfolk were completely confused by the Census process than anywhere else in the country.
“This is perhaps not surprising, but it is reassuring because it shows our methods are sound.”
Only 2% of the Norfolk population managed to complete the Census successfully.
“We expect most of those are actually did it correctly were people from Suffolk but who have inexplicably crossed the border to live in Norfolk. The rest just guessed and got lucky,” Ms Fisher explained.
“Anyway, we can today officially conclude that Norfolk is the densest in the UK.”
Norfolk peasant Bubba Spuckler, who lives near Downham Market with his sister and their six children said: “I did try to fill out the Census but I got stuck on the first question and gave up.”
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Suffolk Police have taken delivery of two fearsome battle tanks to help keep the working classes away from the county’s elite holiday resorts.
The Challenger 2 tanks will be stationed on the approaches to Aldeburgh and Southwold from this weekend, ensuring only the “right sort” of visitors get through to enjoy the towns.
Each tank is equipped with a 120-millimetre main gun capable of firing high explosive and Vauxhall Corsa-piercing shells, while gunners can also make use of a chain gun and machine gun on board.
Senior officers hope the vehicles, which each have 4,200 rounds available, will deter inquisitive poor people from travelling to the jewels of the Suffolk coast.
Police Sergeant Lorraine Fisher, 34, told the Suffolk Gazette: “In recent years there have been issues with an unruly working-class element visiting Aldeburgh and Southwold.
“They do not speak with the correct accent, don’t read the right newspaper – and some don’t even like opera.
“Clearly the locals, and those with loads of money, would rather keep them away, and so we need to take appropriate action to make sure they don’t get through.”
Tanks in Suffolk
Police have been training two of their patrol car drivers to operate the tanks, which are on loan from the British Army for six months until the holiday season is over.
They have been on exercise in Tunstall Forest, with only a couple of minor mishaps involving a bird-watching hide and three hikers.
The police spokesman explained: “There were one or two teething problems while our drivers got used to the controls. One of the tanks took a wrong turn and ploughed straight into a bird-watching hide in the forest, while another hit three hikers when the driver forgot where the brake was.
“However, nobody was seriously hurt and the drivers have now got the hang of everything.”
He said the tanks would be taking up positions from next Monday.
But last night there was a furious reaction when the Suffolk Gazette broke the news to some residents. Cynthia Jones, who lives in Alderton, said: “I like to visit Aldeburgh, but although I am quite wealthy, I drive an older car. Will this tank just turn its gun on me, assuming I am a poor person?
“There will be a terrible accident within hours, and it will ruin Suffolk’s tourist industry.”
Gary Lineker will bring more diversity to the Conservative Party (Image: BBC)
In an unexpected development, football pundit-turned political supremo Gary Lineker is to take over as the next Conservative Party chairman.
Oliver Dowden quit as chairman early this morning after disastrous by-election results in Tiverton and Honiton and Wakefield.
But the Conservatives have moved quickly to appoint Lineker, who will promote diversity, inclusivity, trans agendas and even turn up on picket lines.
Tory insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Gary truly is a man – sorry, person – of the people.
“He will lead the Tories into a bright new future and unite the nation.
“He will promote our policy of being kind and we look forward to him starting.”
Lineker will remain as Match of the Day host.
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A Suffolk balloon business says inflation is making it hard to stay afloat.
Balloon Knot Enterprises insists today’s inflation rise to 9.1% is devastating.
Managing Director Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Inflation hits balloon businesses hard and we are holding on by a string.
‘Plans to float’
“Balloon Knot Enterprises was doing very well and had plans to float.
“But now our dreams have burst.”
In other business news, a snail farm in Norfolk has closed because business was so slow.
A paper firm in Lowestoft has folded.
And a bra factory has gone bust in Bury St Edmunds.
And news just in, a futures investment company has closed owing to unforeseen circumstances.
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Aside from the office, your home is likely to be the place where you spend most of your time. The home environment can be hugely important, enabling you to more effectively relax, unwind and reoperate after a hard day.
Understanding how to make your home a more healthy environment can be hugely useful, allowing you to ensure you are able to get the most invigorating and rewarding time at home. This guide is here to help you learn the most effective ways of making your home a more healthy environment.Â
1. Embrace natureÂ
Studies have found that one of the most effective ways of making your home a more healthy environment is to add in some plants and flowers. Not only do flowers and plants look aesthetically pleasing, but they can also be hugely important when it comes to improving air quality within the home.
When you are looking to add more greenery to your home, it is useful to look for plants and flowers online to increase your choice. This way, you will be able to more easily find some of the most useful plants for increasing air quality. Some of the best plants for absorbing CO2 and removing toxins in the air of your home include:
English Ivy
Peace Lilies
Aloe Vera
Bamboo Balm
Spider Plants
Lady Palm
2. Make your home a shoe-free zoneÂ
In some cultures, it is standard practice to take your shoes off whenever you go indoors, but this is not the case in the west. Studies have found that making your home a shoe-free zone can actually make it a healthier environment. This is because when you wear shoes in your home, you are tracking dirt, chemicals, and bacteria everywhere you step foot.
You should try putting a shoe rack or basket by the door to remind you to take off your shoes when you enter the home. Providing slippers can also be a great way to ensure you and your guests are comfortable not wearing shoes in your home.
3. Have a spring cleanÂ
How clean your home does not only have an effect on the place’s appearance but also on how healthy the environment is too. It is useful to put aside a regur amount of time for decluttering your home and having a deep clean. Decluttering might sound like a slightly intimidating prospect, but it can be quite therapeutic. Decluttering is also hugely useful when it comes to being able to keep your property more clean and tidy regularly, which in turn can have numerous mental and physical health benefits.Â
4. Increase lightÂ
Studies have found that the amount of natural light one has access to daily can be a big impact on your health. Not having enough natural light can lead to feelings of stress and depression and can decrease your natural balance of important vitamins like vitamin B. Increasing the amount of natural light in your home can take many forms, such as changing your heavy curtains for lighter blinds or placing a strategic wall mounted mirror.
The family of a young boy say it is unfair Prime Minister Boris Johnson jumped the queue for his nose operation this week.
Pino Cchio, an eight-year-old who moved to the UK from Italy last summer, has suffered from extending nose syndrome all his life.
It is the same condition that has afflicted Mr Johnson since childhood but became worse over the past few years.
While the PM was able to be in out of hospital after only a few hours for his treatment this week, young Pino is still wondering when he might be treated.
“It seems it’s one rule for Boris Johnson and quite another for the rest of us,” complained Pino’s guardian, Lorraine Fisher, 34.
“Quite how the Prime Minister managed to get his op done this week is a mystery.
“We can only assume his extending nose syndrome was getting drastically worse.”
It is unknown exactly what causes the nose to extend outwards from the face. But medics confirm it does have something to do with a complete inability to tell the truth.
Meanwhile, young Pino is still waiting for the call from his local hospital to repair his nose with surgery.
He told friends: “I can move, I can talk, I can walk. But I can’t seem to get off the NHS waiting list.”
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An incredibly rare dragon’s skull has been unearthed by archaeologists in Suffolk, it has emerged.
The remarkable discovery is only the fifth of its kind anywhere in the world, and experts say it could be as much as four million years old.
Dragons are known to have lived in parts of what is now northern Europe and Scandinavia, but no new examples have turned up since a famous dig in Norway in 1972.
Now the dragon skull, found by archaeologists working on a site north of Ipswich, is being examined by palaeontologists at Cambridge University.
While dragons have always been popular in British culture, there has been an increased interest since they were featured prominently in the recent Game of Thrones television drama series.
Experts do not want fans or treasure hunters looking for more remains and have therefore kept the exact location of the dig a secret.
Old dragon spotted in Suffolk
“This is a remarkable find,” Lorraine Fisher, 34, a member of the recovery team, said. “We have found a few dragon teeth before, but nothing like this.
“A whole skull is truly amazing and matches the great find near the town of Targaryen in Norway back in the early 1970s.
“Judging by the size of the skull, we think the whole dragon would have been fifty feet long.
“We really hope to find more of the skeleton, which has been well preserved by the clay soil in Suffolk.
“It would be great to get hold of the wings, for example.”
It is not known if dragons lived in the Suffolk area, or if this specimen had flown over the area millions of years ago on a hunting expedition.
Dragons flew great distances and then used their fire-breathing skills to roast their prey alive, such as sheep or even cows, before devouring them.
The dig is ongoing at the secret location before cables are laid underground all the way to a new wind farm off the Suffolk coast.
Once the work is finished, it is hoped the dragon remains will go on display to the public, possibly at Ipswich Museum.
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