Dear Doris: the finger of suspicion

Introducing the Suffolk Gazette’s very own agony aunt, 89-year-old Doris Daley. Write to her via our Contact page – we’ll publish the best each week (maybe)

Dear Doris,

I’m hoping you can help, as I’m a little bit too embarrassed to ask anyone else. I’ve had suspicions about my family doctor for some time, as he has clearly taken an unhealthy interest in me. Whenever I’ve gone to the surgery, he has held me by the wotsits and asked me to cough. Once he did it when I’d only gone in to pick up a prescription for my mother.

Then this week he told me to bend over and with no warning he stuck his finger up my backside. I understand this is a regular and useful prostate test for men of a certain age, but I am not sure it was necessary for me.

Stephen, aged 19.

Dear Stephen,

Lucky you. I have not had such close attention since VE Day in 1945 (which sadly soon became known in my house as VD Day, but that’s another story).

Love,
Doris

* * * * *

Dear Doris,

Recently my son has been coming home with lots of unnecessary little things from the shops, and I never see a receipt. I’m beginning to worry he may be shoplifting. What should I do?

Maureen, Sudbury.

Dear Maureen,

Tell him to pocket a bottle of gin from the far aisle in Lidl. There are no cameras in that section.

Love,
Doris

* * * * *

Dear Doris,

I’ve been going out with a girl,
her name is Julie
But last night she said to me,
when we were watching telly

(This is what she said)

She said listen John, I love you
But there’s this bloke, I fancy
I don’t want to two time you,
so it’s the end for you and me.

Jilted John, 29.

Dear John,

Forget about the trollop and give me a call. I’ll make you feel like a real man. It’s all part of the Doris service.

Love,
Doris

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