Trump picks himself upfront, promising to Make America Goal Again spectacularly.

By Our Football Staff

SAN FRANCISCO BAY – President Donald Trump has reportedly solved the USA’s goalscoring problems by selecting himself as the team’s centre-forward for its World Cup knockout match against Bosnia & Herzegovina, insisting that “nobody scores better than me.”

The surprise announcement came during what was expected to be a routine press briefing before Trump revealed that he had signed an executive order appointing himself to the starting eleven. He cited his youthful footballing exploits at New York Military Academy, where he claimed to have played varsity soccer “better than anybody has ever played varsity soccer”.

“The team needs MAGA,” Trump declared. “Not the political kind. The Make America Goal Again kind. Frankly, the strikers have been very unfair to the fans. They’re missing chances that I would never miss.”

Make America Goal Again

Officials from the United States Soccer Federation were reportedly caught off guard, with one spokesman admitting there is “no obvious rule covering self-appointed presidents playing international football“.

Training observers said the president spent much of the session requesting that every attack be directed towards him, despite appearing to confuse the offside rule with election law. At one point he reportedly demanded VAR “find more goals”.

Trump also unveiled a list of campaign-style football promises, including building “the greatest defence ever assembled”, introducing tariffs on opposition throw-ins and renaming penalties “freedom kicks”.

Several senior players appeared uncertain about the arrangement but welcomed the additional media attention, noting that ticket sales had surged since rumours of the selection emerged.

Bosnia & Herzegovina manager Sergej Barbarez dismissed suggestions that his side would alter its tactics, saying they intended to defend “whoever happens to be wearing the number nine shirt”.

Trump remained bullish.

“They say football is a game of two halves,” he told reporters. “Under me, it’ll be three halves. We’ll win so much that FIFA will probably ask us to slow down.”

FIFA was understood to be quietly checking its rulebook for a section covering self-selected heads of state playing centre-forward.