HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. – Beverly Hills was the unlikely site of a celebrity standoff this week, as Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson and 90s boyband Hanson found themselves locked in a tense identity crisis in the waiting room of renowned cosmetic surgeon Dr. Gupta Bophal.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Witnesses say the confusion began when Dr. Bophal entered the minimalist-chic clinic lounge and calmly called out, “Johansson.” What followed was chaos, as not only Scarlett Johansson stood up, but so did all three Hanson brothers—Zac, Isaac, and the lesser-known Terry—apparently convinced the call was meant for them.

“We heard ‘Yo! Hanson!’ clear as day,” insisted Isaac, pointing to his ears. “It’s a common greeting for us. We’re used to fans shouting that exact phrase.”

A 20-minute debate followed, in which Scarlett Johansson repeatedly clarified that she was, in fact, the Johansson in question, while the Hansons refused to back down, accusing Dr. Bophal of ‘Jive Talkin’’ until the surgeon explained, slowly and with hand gestures, that he had not said “Yo! Hanson” but merely “Johansson.”

Toe to toe

Once calm was restored, the doctor proceeded to treat Johansson, who is reportedly undergoing surgery to add a sixth toe in preparation for her upcoming biopic Marilyn: The Chiropody Years, an imagined account of Monroe’s foot-focused personal journey.

Meanwhile, the Hansons are allegedly undergoing an ambitious set of procedures to help them resemble the 1970s Bee Gees “in bone structure, hair volume, and general aura,” as per their publicist.

Dr. Bophal has since installed a whiteboard in the waiting room to clarify patient names, and insists the mix-up was “a simple case of ‘me first’ celebrity egotism.”

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