Everyone claiming to be Irish so they can get wrecked on St Patrick’s Day

St Patrick's Day

By Phil McCracken, Ireland Correspondent

Everyone is suddenly claiming to be a little bit Irish so they can get absolutely smashed on St Patrick’s Day, it has emerged.

People who have never set foot in Ireland, and really don’t have an Irish great-great-grandfather, will be dressing in silly green outfits and getting wasted on Guinness.

“I’ll admit it’s just an excuse to get absolutely pissed, but you have to pretend to have some Irish heritage so nobody judges you,” said an excited Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Saxmundham, who is 100 per cent English.

“I actually have no idea who this St Patrick bloke is. Does he do something with the rugby?”

Pubs across England were looking forward to cashing in on the annual drinking frenzy.

Dog and Duck landlord Steve Walshe said: “People are just looking for an excuse to get absolutely shit-faced,” he said.

“So we’ll give out some green hats that Guinness sent us, and pretend we love everything about Ireland. Even Roy Keane.”

Social observers noted that the English getting wrecked to celebrate Ireland’s patron saint is a little odd, especially as they will undoubtedly ignore their own saint.

“It’s St George’s Day next month, but I bet your Lorraine Fisher will not be celebrating our heroic dragon slayer,” remarked professor of humanities Derek Tolly.

When this newspaper told Lorraine Fisher that Saint Patrick was a fifth-century Romano-British Christian missionary and bishop in Ireland, known as the “Apostle of Ireland”, he was the primary patron saint of Ireland, along with saints Brigit of Kildare and Columba, she said: “Whatever. Get the beers in!”

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