Police snipers to shoot people dawdling while looking at their phone
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor
People walking slowly because they are looking at their mobile phone are to be shot under an exciting new police initiative, it has emerged.
Suffolk Police have been selected to test the radical approach to eradicate one of life’s major irritations.
Police snipers will take up positions on rooftops around Ipswich town centre, and fire a single bullet to dispatch idiots who get in everyone else’s way.
Shoppers who get stuck behind someone who has slowed down to a snail’s pace while reading an important Facebook post, or responding to an urgent WhatsApp message about dinner, have welcomed the initiative.
Sam Harrington, 27, from Ipswich, said: “It’s bloody annoying when someone gets in your way because they are not looking where they’re going. You end up bumping into them or having to swerve out of the way.
“I think having police snipers simply shoot them is a great idea. I’m not worried about being caught up as collateral damage – these guys are well-trained crack shots.”
Similar to the way criminals were left hanging on the gallows in the Middle Ages, Suffolk Police say shot dawdlers will be left to rot on the pavement as a warning to others.
A spokesman said: “We are proud that the Home Office has selected Ipswich as a pilot for this new scheme. We have carefully chosen our snipers and found the best rooftop positions for surveying the town centre.
“We expect work to start immediately, so we hope your readers have read this at home or at work, and not on their phone while out shopping.”
But Civil liberty groups are furious, claiming the initiative is “barbaric” and over the top.
Ivor Smith-Wesson, of the anti-gun lobby Don’t Shoot, said: “This is ridiculous. What if an innocent person happened to get out their phone while walking down Westgate Street – who is to say a trigger-happy cop won’t just blast them away?”