At the beginning of every new year, we dream of improving our lives, be it losing weight, getting fit or making more money.
So, in the spirit of being as helpful as ever, here’s your handy Suffolk Gazette guide to making your 2019 goals stick.
Lay off the junk food
Do you want to lose weight? Scientists have made the astonishing discovery that eating fast food leads to weight gain. Who knew?
How about gorging less on McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, kebabs, fish and chips, Nando’s, Five Guys and pies from Greggs? Eat a salad instead, because when did you ever see a fat rabbit in the wild?
Go to the gym
Congratulations on paying out a small fortune on your posh gym membership. And well done for buying the fashionably expensive gym gear to go with it. You look great in that lycra. At least you would if you actually went to the gym.
Our top tip is to get off your lard arse and put some effort into your exercise regime. What’s the point in paying for your gym membership and going once for your free fitness appraisal, only to become demotivated instantly and never go again?
Win some money
Forget what the do-gooders say; money really can buy you happiness (and love if you use certain websites that we won’t mention here). We accept that it’s not easy to get your hands on more cash, and we don’t recommend bank robbery.
But here on the Suffolk Gazette, we do like a little gamble. It’s probably not a good idea to bet on Ipswich Town avoiding relegation from the Championship this season; you’d be far better off trying to spin up your cash in an online casino.
Kickstart your career
Fed-up at work? Well stop moaning about it and do something. Everyone’s bored of people moaning about their mundane employment or mad boss who doesn’t understand them. There’s plenty of work opportunities out there, you just need to get your backside into gear, and network like your life depends on it. Get on with it.
If the Suffolk Gazette can reach and engage with hundreds of thousands of people a month, you can surely make connections with at least ten prospective new employers each month. Start doing some online research and stop watching crap on television.
Be nice to your neighbours
If you’re nice to your neighbours, they’ll be nice to you. Everyone can live happily together.
However, this piece of advice DOES NOT apply to Norfolk. The people of Norfolk, our neighbours over the border, should be treated with the utter contempt that they deserve.
Let us know how you get on
That’s it for your brilliant New Year advice from the Suffolk Gazette. If you achieve just one of these goals, the year will be a success.
Doing nothing is not an option, and we can’t wait to hear how you get on. Good luck!