Class warfare breaks out as Waitrose snobs clash with Aldi oiks
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Class warfare was breaking out in supermarkets across Britain today as anxious food shoppers clashed while hunting down their last Christmas dinner ingredients.
Middle-class snobs were forced to park their Audis at Lidl and Aldi after Waitrose ran out of avocados and pomegranate molasses.
And common people caught the bus to Waitrose because their local Aldi and Lidl had sold out of Lambrini and chicken nuggets.
The dramatic turn of events meant there was huge class tensions as the snobs and commoners clashed in unfamiliar territory.
At one Waitrose store in Suffolk, some very common people, who were clearly benefit scroungers and quite possibly even foreign, got into a scuffle with a well-dressed man called Justin.
They had wandered in, stinking of cigarettes and cider, looking for frozen Christmas ready meals because they were out of stock in Lidl.
But they soon bumped into posh twat Justin, who was browsing through the kale options.
Observer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They got into a slanging match, with Justin and his fellow well-heeled shoppers telling them to ‘bugger ‘orf back to Lidli or whatever it’s called’.
“Punches were thrown and Justin was so upset he demanded the store staff throw the oiks out.”
Meanwhile, over at a Lidl store in Ipswich, local low-life were confronted with scores of well-dressed yummy mummies who had arrived in a fleet of Audis from Waitrose.
“I need artichoke hearts but there were none left at Waitrose,” cooed one mum as she gave the Lidl security guard a tenner, thinking he was a homeless man.
She waltzed into the strange world of common people and immediately tied her son Oscar’s handkerchief around her nose to keep out the smell.
Trouble flared when she and the other yummy mummies began stopping in the middle of the aisles to compare each others’ handbags.
Common person Dwayne Pipe, who is unemployed and claiming £33,000 a year in benefits, said: “Who do these posh birds think they are?
“But as it’s Christmas I’d like to cover one in salted butter and give it a good stuffing.”
Police were called to the Aldi car park in Stowmarket after a Range Rover, unfamiliar with the car park layout, got into a stand-off with a 25-year-old Vauxhall Corsa.
“The drivers traded insults but we were able to calm down the situation and urge the Range Rover driver to keep to his usual expensive shop,” a police spokesman said.
Meanwhile, the Suffolk Gazette wishes all its readers, no matter their class, a very merry Christmas.